Sample: B. F. Skinner’s How to Shock and Blanch Asparagus
1. Informed consent about the intentional infliction of pain is difficult to obtain, especially from a vegetable. Begin your session mildly, perhaps by playfully biting the asparagus. Then ask, “”Did that feel good?” and make careful note of its responses.
2. Establish a safe word. In an adventuresome kitchen, “no” might not always mean “no.” But “David Carradine” (for example) could.
3. Chop the asparagus into one-inch pieces and discard their fibrous ends. Dip them into simmering salt water.
4. When 60 seconds are up, dunk them into an ice bath. Their green color will be set. Cooking will stop.
5. Remember, behavior is always affected by its consequences, and your asparagus need to learn that. If they have complied with the experiment and then not set their color and stopped cooking, spank them.
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This is from NIETZSCHE’S ANGEL FOOD CAKE: And Other “Recipes” for the Intellectually Famished, a gift book available in hardcover, paperback, and Kindle.